Hello world. Just saying hi.
I always have a certain comfort level with my blog before I freak out and quit or go private. This time, I’m going private. (Note: Yay for not quitting!)
If you read this site regularly, I’ll still be logging my workouts here, but the more rambling, emotion-spewing stuff will be elsewhere.
With that in mind, let me know via a comment, and I’ll give you the address of the other blog.
Thanks for listening!
I had a great night out with old work friends last night. It was a gallery walk in the Pioneer Square section of Seattle (the oldest part of the city). There were all kinds of galleries showing artists’ work, and it was really cool because my friends that I was with are totally artsy fartsy folks. Three of my friends are photographers in one way or another. I hadn’t seen any of them in some time.
While I was down there, I kept thinking of how I need to go downtown more often. I don’t know how much longer I’ll be unemployed and I need to take advantage of such things. I live in one of the most fascinating (and crazy!) cities in the world. There are things like this all of the time. And some days I just feel like a prisoner in my own house. That’s not cool.
Again with the diet, I am still having so much trouble refocusing and getting back on track. I need to relearn that when I stick to the plan, I lose weight. Sure, it’s slow, but it happens. I guess I got so complacent that it was working that I started doing my old habits. The moment I gained a half pound, I mentally said, "See! It didn’t work! You are a failure." I think that’s what started this recent behavior and mindset. I’m focusing so much on the number, not the "getting healthy". And I think, to successfully lose the weight, I have to focus on forest, not the trees. And boy, am I a tree person. Hell, I’m a leaf person. I could even argue that I’m seeing the cellular level of the tree…not even the tree!
Also, the lack of sunlight doesn’t seem to be helping. But I digress.
I’m not going to eat like a crazy woman tonight, but I am still going to eat, even though I’m over my points already for the day. In the morning, I’m going to get a walk/jog in and get back on track.
Every day is a new start.
I skipped WW yesterday and I really needed it.
I didn’t think Halloween would derail me, but somehow, it did. I haven’t been eating bowls and bowls of candy but since then, I’ve had a laissez-faire attitude toward food. I had a donut last night. I had a donut the day before. I’ve been eating things like hamburgers instead of salads.
I really hope it’s just seasonal affective disorder. I *so* need a light box.
I think I have been in the throes of seasonal affective disorder. I’ve been craving carbs like a crazy woman and yesterday, for no reason, while painting the laundry room, I busted out crying. It’s not PMS (more than a week away) and I don’t normally get the crying jags during PMS time anyway. It was overwhelming and it hit hard. As a result, I’ve been eating crap (donuts, anyone?) but I’ve tried to keep the portions sane. I haven’t been tracking for a few days. Bleh.
The Pacific Northwest is unforgiving in the amount of sunlight we get during the winter months. I used to love the winters here. It was actually one of the main reasons we moved here: "We love the rain."
I was sad and grumpy last winter, but I attributed that to grad school and unemployment. This year, though, I’m done with grad school and I’m feeling a little more optimistic about work. It’s still daunting thinking about it, but it’s not overwhelming. Well, most days, I don’t think it’s overwhelming.
So, yesterday’s outburst really had me thinking. How has this winter and last winter been different from the other years I’ve lived here. It hit me: I’m a geologist. Those previous years, I was working. In the field. Outside. For 8+ hours a day. That is a huge difference!
I will probably be purchasing a light therapy box in the next few weeks. I’m also going to ramp up the outdoor exercising as I can. Today, of course, I did an indoor exercise that just sounded awesome: ice skating! And talk about a workout!!! It was FUN. I highly recommend it. :) I was having so much fun, actually, that I missed my WW meeting. Whoops…
Halloween went very well. Anthony had a really, really good time, and Larry enjoyed taking him out. I stayed back at the house since I’m home with Anthony all week.
This next part may be a little TMI for some of you, but hey, it’s *my* blog. :)
About an hour before the guys got back, I started to feel sick to my stomach. I had a little bit of nausea and quite a bit of pressure and some pain in my stomach and gut. I was really concerned that I was coming down with the flu or had a stomach bug. A quick check of my temperature showed that I wasn’t fighting a bug but probably had some indigestion or something.
But it got worse. And then the farting started. I would feel a little better, and then fart some more. I thought for sure it was going to be worse than just gas, but nope…just lots of farting. I felt miserable, though.
I started thinking to myself, “Do I have food poisoning?” and started mentally cataloging all of the food I’d eaten over the past two days. Nothing really suspect. More importantly, it was just gas, not worse stuff. But it was bad and getting worse. What had changed in my diet recently that would have done such a thing?
And then it hit me: FIBER!!!
I started taking chewable fiber supplements on Friday. The vegetable-based fiber (inulin), not the wheat or psyllium kind, so I thought I would be fine. But I got overzealous and started off with too much, is my guess.
So, my advice to all of you folks who are trying to be good about diet and exercise and taking your fiber supplements to encourage health, make sure you don’t do what I did! Start off with the smallest possible dose, and if that makes things better for you, leave it at that. If you need more, go for it.
I started it again today. I’ve had it for a couple of years, but there’s nothing like some Jillian Michaels to really get you going.
I’m going to try and do it for a full 30 days. This should be interesting…
I just figured out that this is the first time I’ve really been cognizant of my feelings immediately surrounding emotional eating. Usually, just after, I’ll say, "Damn, I ate too much." and the guilt would ensue. Yesterday, I caught myself while I was doing it. Sure, I still ate more than I needed, but I was aware that I was trying to feed emotional hunger, not actual physical hunger. I think that’s huge.
I’ve been going through the Week 4 Weight Watchers booklet again. I think it’s one of the most useful booklets they have. The "Reframing" section is helping me out today with understanding what to do next:
Let’s take yesterday for me. I felt guilty. Instead of addressing that feeling, and rationally examining it and acting logically on that assessment, I ate to quiet the feeling. I tried to shove the food down to keep myself from doing something productive about the feeling. Instead of calling the person I felt guilty toward, I ate.
The immediate benefit of doing that instead of doing something productive about the feeling is that I didn’t have to confront the person. There was potential there to experience anxiety or pain or fear and I didn’t want to experience it. The food is also soothing and makes me feel numb for a moment. I got a little surge of neurotransmitters or something in my brain that said "Ahhhh…this is good."
As for what else I could do to get the benefit that the food gives, I could write in my blog like I’m doing now. I find that really helps me assess what’s happening in my head. I could hit the treadmill or go for a walk and get real feel-good chemicals going on in my head that will last. I could actually call said person and just get it over with instead of stewing on it for hours or days.
I think this has been a really useful exercise. I see what I do and how it doesn’t help. Sure, it feels good in the short term, but it just sets me up for more issues later.
Two other things that I noticed were not working for me: 1) I was skipping breakfast more often than I’d like to admit. Since I don’t work, I sleep late (usually until 8:30 or 9). By the time I’ve had my coffee and am ready to get out of the house, it’s practically lunchtime anyway. 2) I have been obsessing about the scale. Since my last weigh in where I gained. Instead of focusing on health, I’ve been focusing on the number. And I think if this is going to be a long-term thing, I need to stop focusing on the number. I’m trying to decide if my details-obsessed mind can handle not weighing next week or not. We’ll see.
I can’t ever think of witty titles…so today it’s “stuff”.
Anyway, today I had kind of a stressful day. It’s hard to explain but, basically, I said something about someone (somewhat out of context) that I shouldn’t have to some folks I know. It was actually trivial, but the person I was talking about found out and freaked out that they were associated with something that they shouldn’t have been.
So I got stressed out.
This conveniently came at the same time as our leader at WW was saying, “Eat more dairy! Are you getting your two servings a day?” and I was like, “Well, I guess I’m not. I’ll eat more dairy.” So I bought some light string cheese and 2% milk for my coffee instead of half and half. The milk isn’t the big deal but the cheese is. I cannot eat one piece of string cheese as a healthy snack. I have to have three or four or five. Honest to god. It’s like crack. And I had some other stuff which, if I hadn’t had the cheese, I would have been okay at dinner. But we went to Arby’s. And I had fries. Bleh.
So I had too much to eat this afternoon after the anxiety-provoking situation. I didn’t talk about it with the person - I just kind of ran away - and the avoidance made me turn the attention inward instead of just getting it out. I get that. But how the hell do I get over that fear of confrontation? The person is not going to kill me or do anything. It’s not like I actually did anything wrong and the person actually knows that now. But I still haven’t talked to them.
I totally used to have this problem at my last job, but it was with respect to projects and just speaking up about things instead of trying to fix them on my own. I’m usually smart and industrious enough to go that route, but sometimes you really need the help of others. It’s not bad to ask for help.
I know some of you have had this problem. How the heck have you dealt with it? I know the root of why I am this way (childhood, yay) but that doesn’t change the fact that it happens in the present. I think, until I get a handle on that, I will continue to overeat when things get stressful. And I don’t like that feeling.